Talk to the shrink before saying ‘I do’

The recent suggestion by Madras high court’s Justice N. Kirubakaran — in reaction to the increasing number of divorces — to Central and state governments to sensitise people about the importance of pre-marital counselling is being hailed by many. He made the suggestion while declaring null and void a marriage between a 26-year-old woman and her husband who married her suppressing the fact he had a heart problem and that he was a cancer patient. These days when most marriages are conducted in haste and hurry, this suggestion can save lots of lives, especially lives of women who invariably become victims in the long run.

“It is a welcome move and can be incorporated in school syllabus. There are so many legal remedies which favors women especially, so I think this pre-marital counselling is also another mode of empowering women,” said social activist Ravindran Duraisamy.

Heading a family is not a 10-5 job but a more complicated responsibility that one has to face till death. It is like a school student becoming a university student and later landing in a responsible job. So pre-marital counselling is acutely and certainly important to avoid post marital drama, most importantly to figure out factors like incompatibility, inadequate mental development, discovery of criminal background, discovery of dreaded diseases like HIV. Pre-marital counselling will also address compatibility questions of not just the bride and groom, but also of their families and it might help enjoy the eternal bliss of the family.

“Marriage counselling will make them understand the basic nuances of a husband and wife relationship and how they should be united in love and affection. These things have to be given to them because children are being brought up with a materialistic ambition rather than values,” says A Arulmozhi, an advocate.

Welcoming the suggestion, R.Y. George Williams, an advocate, said this would reduce the number of cases filed in family courts.

A few decades ago, elders or parents used to do such pre-marital counselling to youngsters in traditional joint families. Also, cross checking the whereabouts of not just the bride or groom but the entire socio-economic background of the family was ingrained in our culture and it helped to avert post-marital issues. With the emergence of nuclear families, invasion of pop culture, advent of mobile phones and social media, marriage is fast losing its values and the piling up of divorce petitions in family courts sums it all.

Meanwhile, pre-marital relationship and pre-marital sex have become the order of the day with the pop culture invading our lives. “Misconceptions of youngsters about sexual life and marriage create such situation,” says Kala Shibu, a psychologist.

The steep increase in divorce cases is alarming and the post divorce phase is taking a toll on many lives. Former president, Women Lawyers Association, D. Prasanna said over the years petitions filed in family courts had been increasing steadily. People approaching courts are mostly educated. Most of them belong to IT firms, film industries and corporate sector. Over 20 per cent of divorce petitions filed in family courts allege that the husband is impotent. “During divorce counselling, it is found that most men who are exposed to pornography at an young age lose their interest in being romantically involved with their partner in the course of their life. It is a kind of psychological impotency,” she said. Pre-marital counselling can help save people from many such misconceptions and post-marital problems. The man-woman relationship is as complicated as it is simple.

Geethalakshmi (name changed) of Salem, filed for a divorce just three months into their marriage. The reason: she and her husband were incompatible. And she decided to call off the marriage though she was carrying by then.

After having decided to end her three-month long association, Geethalakshmi broke the news to her parents, who were, of course, shell shocked. But her parents decided to stand by the decision and choice of their daughter and allowed her to re-move with them.

Had Geethalakshmi and her husband opted for pre-marital counselling, may be, their marriage could have been saved. Psychiatrists feel pre-marital counselling is as important as rituals that take place in the run up to the marriage, given the exposure that youngsters have in this cyber world.

Wisdom dawned upon her only when her search for a partner after the divorce ended in vain being a single parent of her toddler. By the time she knocked at the doors of a psychiatrist it was too late.

With youngsters fast adopting the West and falling in love via Facebook and WhatsApp, love marriages are on the rise. Psychologists say as a result of youngsters jumping into marriages without any background checks–as was the case in the past-the number of divorces is on the rise.

“A few decades back, background checks of the groom/bride and their families was the first step in marriage process. People used to do double or triple checks before wedding. But in today’s world since youngsters don’t want to listen to anyone, their parents are forced to toe their line,” psychologists said.

“Pre-marital counselling is something each couple must undergo. Not many youngsters understand the responsibilities involved in a marriage. Even if one has had a live-in relationship–which is still not so common in many parts of the country–things change, responsibilities change,” said P Nilam, a counsellor. “If a small fight arises in marriage, one cannot simply walk out on his or her spouse or block him or her for a few days. Educating the couple on the importance of sticking through everything should be done and hence pre-marital counselling is imperative,” she said.

Elaiyaraju, with 104 Health Advice Helpline Services, says he has come across several cases of women being unable to adjust to their in-law’s family. It is therefore essential to prepare both men and women for the marriage.

“When couples approach us, we give them full-fledged pre-marital counselling, wherein, we try to prepare them for every challenge. We discuss sexual expectations with each of them and any other expectations. We ensure they are comfortable talking about their families openly with each other.”

WILL THEY DO IT Stressing on the fact that pre-marital counselling is imperative before couples get into wedlock, renowned psychiatrist S. Nambi wonders whether people can change their mindset and go to a counsellor to discuss their problems. “Many parents find it difficult to reveal the truth about their children before marriage. Pre-marital counselling may help marriages, but the question is how feasible is it in our country With people not going to the doctor when suffering with a disease, how we can expect them to go to a counsellor before marriage ” he asks.