Bollywood learns to be wicked

It’s got to be the heat. We have been warned this is going to be a long, hot summer. And since we are not Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman shooting that memorable movie in a cool studio, we are allowed to crib and sound crabbity. Paseena, paseena... and the mercury hitting indecent highs is doing ajeeb things to people. Last night, for example, just as I was about to fall asleep at an award’s function — most noble and laadli beti ke vaastey etc... but hellishly long, and unbearably self-righteous, I forgot my overpowering drowsiness when the compere cracked this delicious joke. I have always liked Lola Kutty (real name, Anuradha Menon), and sort of wondered what happened to the smart, sexy, witty actor after her cheeky turn on TV as a curly-haired Malayalee hottie, taking the rest apart. Well... there she was on stage, wearing a short, flowered summer frock and minus the trademark jasmine strings in her hair. Gone too, were the nerdy black spectacles and gaudy saris.

Fortunately, the curls were intact, if considerably shorter. Said the delicious Kutty, in no particular context: “Kangana Ranaut and I have curly mops in common. I am willing to take all the films Kangana rejects. In fact, I am willing to take all her rejects — Hrithik Roshan, too. But the only way I can date him is if I send him a legal notice!” Ouch! I wanted to rush up on stage and hug her!

It’s okay to speak out of turn. As the irrepressible Ranveer Singh always does, and fortunately did, at another awards function. When Sophie Chaudhary, the compere, referred to him as “half-Sindhi”, he promptly turned it around to demand all sorts of freebies, grinning, “After all, I am half-Sindhi. Where’s my free TV Free phone ” Possibly, encouraged by the younger star’s humour, Rishi Kapoor, seated at (no relation) Rana Kapoor’s table (Rana heads Yes Bank, and was one of the sponsors of the event), went on stage and told Rana he should have distributed free notes to all the guests “as samples” since that’s what sponsors are supposed to do — distribute samples! At one point, amused by Rana’s attempts to hog the mike, Sophie asked him whether he’d like to co-host the event with her!

This brand of irreverence and brashness in public spaces is refreshing and most welcome. Aren’t we tired of gush At a recent function, I was tickled when a lady ticked off the organiser who had said, “Behind every successful woman is a man... her husband.” The feisty lady snapped, “There you go... being a man yourself, you refuse to give me credit for my many years of hard work.” Atta girl!

I wish more celebs would follow suit and stop going yada yada yada while accepting their 1,069th award of the year. Perhaps, they memorise a standard “thank you” speech and trot it out each time. Some of them quickly look at the brightly-lit sponsor wall behind them and remember to acknowledge the real benefactors — those who pay for the show. Others, dutifully and boringly thank the “jury members”, and then launch into the yawn-inducing, “It has been a fantastic journey so far... I’d like to share the experience with you.”

Cliche piles up on cliché and I feel like yanking the mike out of the awardee’s hands to say, “Spare us. Just take that bloody trophy and go home.” Mercifully, the younger lot of Bollywood stars is incredibly wicked and happy to publicly take the pants off rivals, friends, seniors, just about anybody. They have the attitude and wit to get away with outrageously personal remarks. We must thank Karan Johar, Saif Ali Khan and Shah Rukh Khan for raising the bar and making insults so cool!

Since nobody but nobody is spared these days (I get slaughtered every day), those with thin skins are better off staying away from the glare. Amitabh Bachchan has mastered the art of making fun of himself... and he does so with enormous elan. I was talking to a foreign diplomat over lunch, when he mentioned he had timorously approached Mr Bachchan for a public service campaign. To his utter delight, Amitabh’s spontaneous response was, “I have just two things to sell — my presence and my voice — you can have both.” That was it! The diplomat was overwhelmed by Amitabh’s generosity and said something like this would never happen with superstars back home.

These are positive stories about our badnaam Bollywood stars. Most times, I think our actors have the best deal going in life. Yes, they do have to sing (and dance!) for their supper, but they also risk limb and limb when they are shooting. Some of their injuries are permanent, but the show goes on!

SRK has a new film coming up. The exacting and punishing promotional schedule is on. This has become a non-negotiable part of movie-making today. No longer can stars do their job in the studios and go home. It’s all about the publicity, and that killer opening weekend which tells them whether or not the film’s a hit. Amitabh Bachchan made a sardonic observation at an awards function when he said the film industry may soon need to rename itself, since nobody shoots on celluloid anymore. “When we have switched to digital and there is no film involved, should we call ourselves the digital industry henceforth ”

He didn’t know it at the time, but his telling remark about renaming was given a brand new twist, two days later, with the needless and meaningless rechristening of Gurgaon to Gurugram. Which guru Whose gram Up next: What about Modinagar It already exists. I guess that can stay... but let’s see... maybe there’s a plan to create a brand new township and name it Shahpur Or, Amitgram

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