Me or money

Despite the country talking about giving equal right to every girl child with its Beti Bachao Beti Padhao campaign, many parts of the country still follow the regressive system of dowry. These transactions often happen behind closed doors and are a hush-hush topic in public conversations. So, for a young bride-to-be to post about her would-be-in-laws demanding dowry and her decision to call off the wedding on Facebook is a bold and daring act to say the least. This is exactly what propelled Kerala-based Remya Ramachandran to become an overnight online sensation.

“This is to inform everyone who asks me about my wedding date. The groom and family, who had claimed before the engagement that they only wanted me and no dowry, started demanding 50 sovereign of gold and 5 lakh rupees after the function. Since, I’m ardently oppose the dowry system and I felt that buying a man and family who can’t even stay true to their word is a loss, I have decided to cancel the wedding,” posted Remya on her Facebook page. The fact that this demand came from the groom and his family despite it being a love-turned-arranged marriage adds to the woe.

Her post quickly got shared over 600 times by people from across the country and the online community flooded her with congratulatory messages, calling her an inspiration. However, not all were supportive and many pointed out that her life would be ruined by this decision and that finding a man and family who would not demand dowry is a fairytale.

Reassuringly though, many young men and women applauded the decision.

“I’m personally against the whole system of dowry itself. I read somewhere recently that parents spent nearly 50 per cent of their assets for their children’s marriage,” says Toolika Suresh, a youngster from Kochi.

She further adds, “It is not like the amount of money you spend for a wedding or the amount of dowry you give is proportional to the number of years the couple will spent together or the amount of happiness they will have. Nor is marriage a lease proposition. It’s high time we did away with this system of not just dowry, but also the trend of spending loads of money for flamboyant weddings.”

Writer and activist Sarah Joseph, who has been vocal against the dowry system for years, explains, “At one end we have the example of Ravi Pillai’s daughter’s marriage which was frighteningly ostentatious and on the other we have women from poor households being abused for not being able to pay dowry. We live in a society where instead of doing away with the social evil of dowry system, we choose to do away with girls while she is still in the womb or after her birth or sometimes through abuse after marriage. Remya has made a bold decision and I call out to the young women in our society to follow her example and the parents to bring up their girls like Remya’s parents; capable of making decisions for themselves. On one side, we are trying to empower women by making opportunities for them to find a job and find visibility in the social space, but on the other side, regressive practices like this are bringing them back down again. It is important for parents to understand that their children’s wedding is not a venue for showing off their riches and that the money they spent is no assurance for the quality of the life the children will lead.”

Many young men too are welcoming of the no-dowry system. “I’ll possibly have an arranged marriage myself and, to me, it is not just the girl I marry that matters, it’s also her family. We must try to understand these aspects about the family before committing to a marriage and make these details clear from the get-go. We youngsters claim to be progressive and broad-minded, but when it comes to marriage, even those who don’t demand dowry themselves just brush off the topic as something that the parents will deal with. It is high time men started taking the initiative to not just not demand dowry, but also declaring that they do not expect it,” explains Sanjay Menon, a youngster.