Help your child come out of the closet

Your child’s sexual orientation needs to be dealt with sensitivity and support, suggest life coaches

Comedian Ellen DeGeneres recently revealed that her father found it a challenge to have an openly gay child. The 58-year-old admitted that it wasn’t easy for her father, an insurance agent, to deal with it because he wanted her to have a quiet life. Parents may feel shocked, unsure, isolated and many other emotions when they find out about their child’s sexual orientation. Unfortunately, when their children reveal the truth about their gender identity, parents tend to go into the same closet that their children came out of.

Life coach Chetna Mehrotra suggests that a child comes out in open because he/she trusts the family and is looking for support. “As a parent, whether or not you endorse homosexuality, you need to listen to your child. When someone finally discloses such information, they usually inform their families first due to the trust factor. And if you are being trusted so much on that, it is suggested that you hear them out and let them know that you may not be in favour of their decision but they have your support,” she adds.

Often children come out to their parents because they want their parents to be informed about their lives. They are not seeking your permission to be gay or looking for your approval or disapproval. They are simply keeping you in the loop about their lives. Such independence has to be respected by parents, feels life coach Khyati Birla. “It takes a lot of courage for a child to disclose their sexual orientation to their parents. Your reaction to your child’s declaration determines whether they feel supported by you or whether they feel punished for having stood up for themselves. It’s not like your child deliberately set out to be gay to spoil your plans,” she asserts.

Homosexuality is simply a way of living and making choices and for parents, acceptance is the only key. “Suppressing them or trying to change them would only lead to rebellion. They would further go on and do things so that their parents are infuriated. Over the years children are ridiculed and made to feel embarrassed about the mistakes they make. If a parent makes them feel the same way, there will be awkwardness. Don’t ever try to be open and harsh about your disapproval as it might hamper ties with your child,” warns psychotherapist Dr Kashissh Chhabriaa.

Help your child find their way and their place in the world by not judging them. “What you shouldn’t do is make judgements, dish out lectures on morality, values, etc. You should also not start questioning your child’s decisions and make an issue out of everything they do — including their choice of friends, hangouts, etc. Just hear them out and let them know that they can count on you in case they need any support,” Chetna adds.