It’s complicated: The weddings from hell, set in paradise

The worst thing you can do is plan a destination wedding. It’s a logistical nightmare and guests are there just for the trip.

The D word is no longer divorce, it’s ‘Destination Wedding’. It’s flight tickets, outdoor catering, venue spotting, hundreds of guests and noise amped up to deafen both families. It’s your big, fat eek wedding!

The cross-border Bin Laden assassination looked easier on paper. Because you have so many people to please, at a place your barely know.

You have annoying guests harassing you and the wedding planners for spa appointments and room changes. Freeloaders want to make a family vacation out of your best day and will not hesitate bringing in the most distant relatives. Then there will be people furious at not being invited. A groom was left shocked when a “friend” rang him up to say, ‘Hope you die!’, because an invite and a flight ticket to Turkey were not sent to her address.

In Rajasthan, one lady booked a five-star hotel for half her guests and a zero-star one for the rest. To be fair, there were just two properties at the location. But the rumour mills claim guests were accommodated based on their perceived bank balance. And oh, they had the nicest things to say about her — quite peachy.

And yes, the worst part is indeed the bill. No, wait. What’s even worse is the sit-down to settle it.

Getting both parties to come together for it is the tricky and interesting part as no one really has written a book about the etiquette involved here. Who brings it up first How do you talk money How do you stop yourself from going into a coma after a look at the numbers More importantly, how do you say a firm no

Traditionally, the girl’s family is expected to bring out their chequebooks. But if Shah Rukh Khan has just gotten off the stage after a half-hour sweaty performance at the venue in Normandie, teaming up is fair because Normandie has seen violence before, and residents don’t need the bloodshed, again.

For one father, whose daughter was marrying into Big Steel, silence was the best option. He apparently agreed to all demands from the groom’s side but when time came to pay up for an international singer’s appearance and the hotel bill for thousands of guests in sunny Vienna, he simply walked up to the groom’s dad and settled it all with a, “Sorry mate, I can’t afford this '70 crore”.

The boy’s very, very furious, red-faced family ended up paying for it all. Even families who decide early on to split bills end up unhappy. At another celebration, it almost came to punches after the families felt the other side had it easier.

So please plan that intimate backyard wedding. It’s pleasant, genuine and the only beads of sweat on your forehead are from the sunny skies overhead, not anxiety. And if there’s still some stress on those shoulders take out a few minutes to pursue that scotch. Because hey, it’s going to be a good day!