Endless endurance forever

For the past few days, Kerala has been discussing the suspicious death of a 25-year-old woman, who was a victim of domestic abuse. V.V. Justin, husband of Anliya Hygenous, who went missing from Thrissur railway station on August 25, 2018, and found dead three days later in Aluva, surrendered before a Judicial Magistrate Court on January 19. The victim, a nursing graduate, had left behind a diary in which she narrated the harassments she went through during her stay at Justin’s house. It played an important role in the case. The diary entries and her messages to her brother pointed to the severity of the struggles she had to face, and how she tried to save the marriage for her child and family. The incident raises a question: In marriage, why women, even educated ones, endure torture to the point where they finally lose it?

“It is, perhaps, because she felt that coming out of the marriage would upset her parents, who were supportive throughout,” opines Dr Lissy Shajahan, psychologist and life coach. “Look at her marriage photographs; you could see an extremely happy Anliya. She might have entered into it with a lot of expectations. Looks like, she hails from a very happy and loving family. Her parents might have married off her with great expectations. When something you did with so much love fails to meet the expectations, you would collapse,” she adds.

Anliya’s is not a lone case. Instances of domestic abuse are aplenty. It is just that not everyone comes forward to speak out. “It is basically because of their fear of society. In a situation like this, people will think how society will see their decision. It is one of the reasons why families try to sort issues and send back daughters,” says Lekha Sreenivas, a teacher and parent.

“We have seen how our society treated women who spoke up. It blamed women. The response will not be different in the case of domestic violence. There are many who suffer in silence due to this fear. It is difficult to live ignoring society,” adds Lekha.    

Why doesn’t education help in nurturing boldness? “Education, of course, gives exposure. However, it does not define boldness. I have seen many not-so-educated women, who are very brave. The courage to respond to a situation or take a stance depends upon a person’s psyche,” says Lekha. Advocate Anima Muyarath agrees. “The key to boldness lies in using one’s education wisely. There are laws to safeguard women, who face domestic abuse. We should use them,” she says. “Our understanding of violence itself is only getting matured. Violence is not just physical abuse; it could be economical, emotional or verbal abuse. In Kerala, though human development indicators are high, women are looked down. The current movements are bringing change. It might take some time,” she observes.

How can we tackle it? The solution is to be true to oneself. “Be yourself. Be in reality. Be assertive. Above all, learn to say ‘no’,” says Lissy. And, to parents who believe that their daughters are safe once married, Lissy has this advice. “Be a good listener always. I think being a good listener is the most important element of every relationship. Listen to your child when she says she needs to see you or talk to you. If she gets the help of a parent/friend/counsellor at the right time, she will not go to this extent. Also, it is always good to wait for marriage till your daughter becomes financially independent.”

She also cautions women to take decisions courageously. “When your life is threatened, take a decision,” she says. Simra, a student of Apparel and Fashion Designing, feels the same. “If I come across such a situation, I will discuss it with my family or someone close. I will make sure that people know what I go through.” Her friends Maria, Anupama, Anjitha, Nimisha, and Keerthi agree. “We will not tolerate abuse. There is a limit to everything. No matter what it costs, we will talk about it. Just because you are married, you don’t have to suffer this much.”

Like they say, opening up to someone close is very important. “When we communicate our thoughts to a person instead of penning them down, there is a comforting emotional space,” says Lissy. Anima puts forward a good suggestion to find this space. “Women should be connected to each other. That sense of unity will help in traumatic situations. Build your network, so that when you have an issue, you will have someone to call for help.”