First night anxiety

How does one tackle the first night anxiety in a just married setting? Especially when the marriage is arranged as is the norm in many Indian families, and you’re not too close or known to the newly acquired spouse? He’s someone you’ve met at coffee houses or even fancy restaurants, or then you’ve held her hand at most on the drive back from a ‘date’. Even those ‘dates’ were somewhat awkward and not so familiar, you were just about getting to know each other? This is the scenario in conventional ‘arranged marriages’

Chances are you’re nervous and have some unease stemming from self-doubt, misconceptions and all sorts of information overload about the big ‘first night’, you’ve had a long day and drained post the days long winded wedding ceremonies. It’s also often late into the night by the time you have this time alone. This after a never-ending day where you’ve donned festive couture and smiled, posed, greeted and met innumerable guests you’ve probably never seen before and chances are you never will again either. You’re aching all over and feeling like you’ve run the marathon, and now the big expectations of the ‘first night’? With all its build up, expectations (especially from all around) and anticipation too?

An important thing to remember is that you hopefully have your whole lives together, and while this is the start point and a day you’ll always remember and cherish, let it flow without the overwhelming buildup of too much riding on this one night. Allow yourself the space to drift into a romantic union over a few days by creating some familiarity and initial intimacy to get over the original shyness and inhabitations with some light wine, some fragrant candles, light music to ease your frazzled nerves.

You might believe that this is all archaic and everyone in this day and age is so experienced, familiar and even on top of the ‘birds and bees’ situation. Lack of information and unawareness is a thing of the past? Not really, smaller cities where traditional culture still holds strong is familiar to this kind of scenario. Partners, just married, must deal with first night excitement, unrealistic expectations, anticipation but also the apprehension and nervousness. Even in the big city with both partners equipped with more experience with the opposite sex, I’d say there is still some unease about the ‘first night’ because it comes with the baggage to be ‘oh so special’. And so the newly married couple must together lighten the nervousness and uneasiness that come with what is in India called the ‘Suhag Raat’.

The start point might be to cut out the overwhelming baggage of expectations, and infuse some camaraderie, humor, and try to reiterate to oneself and ones partner that this is the start of a new phase of life and it could be done with a sense of fun and relaxed companionship, conversation and light heartedness of a date night. Talking and finding common ground is a great way to break the ice. Even admitting to some of the disquiet that comes with starting a life and sharing a bed with someone you’ve known sparingly, can be an icebreaker. Try not to bog yourselves down with proving how good you are or boasting about your accomplishments, it’s always more endearing to be candid and unpretentious.

A great idea to try and read up on his interests, and for the man to chat about her interests. If she’s fond of art or music start a conversation on things that interest her? Sports is an absolute winner with guys.

Ease into each other’s hearts and lives with grace and understanding, there is absolutely no rush and no reason to ‘perform’ to impress.

It’s absolutely okay to cuddle each other and relax on the first night,  exhausted as you are with rituals and the entire wedding build up-without the pressure to consummate your marriage on the very first night. Building up the anticipation to the second or third night when you’re more relaxed and have created an enthusiasm may be a great idea to cherish and make the entire moment more special.

The writer is a columnist, designer and brand consultant. Mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com