Familiar feuds

It’s an age-old story. The introduction of a new sibling into the family brings about bouts of jealousy, and temper tantrums in the older child, and the displaced attention often leads to sibling rivalries.

Kim Kardashian recently revealed in a show that her toddler daughter, North West, was not quite fond of her 20-month-old brother, Saint. What started as North being jealous of the reality show star breastfeeding her son, has now turned into a passive aggressive spat. Experts say that this attention-seeking behaviour in older siblings is all too normal.

“Sibling feud is a common phase that most people go through,” says life coach Chetna Mehrotra. “However, some people can take it to the next level, and exhaust  their energies on that. And it eventually affects their every day life, going on to even consume their future.”

However, counselling psychologist and psychotherapist Kashish Chhabria says that it’s not necessary that this rivalry or jealousy spring up in every family.  “In fact,” she points out, “Some relationships have the rapport of a parent-child one, and some have one of friendship as well.”

But sibling rivalry is a common phase that involves clinging to parents, crying spates and more. “They would want the attention of the parents at the cost of anything — even pretending to be unwell. Anything that draws attention to them,” she asserts.

“Elder kids have been at the centre of attention for so long that they can’t come to terms with the parents’ attention moving to the newest or youngest sibling,” warns Chetna. “The sudden loss of attention disturbs the children, and they struggle to find balance. They can behave violently or even think of hurting the young child. They also start scheming things to ensure that the other sibling loses face, and they can go back to being the pampered one.”

The best way to fix the issue is to get the older child acquainted to the idea of a younger sibling, even before it is born. Says Kashish, “Parents will need to balance the dynamics at home. Ensure that both children know that they are loved and cared for, especially the elder one. This kind of attitude needs to be instilled from day one.”

The responsibility of getting the older child used to the new scenario lies on the parents, and patience is key, explains Chetna. “The best method is to speak to your child about childbirth. See the albums of first child’s birth and have a laugh with them. Tell your kids that they have a big role coming up as an educator and a teacher for the new baby. Don’t frown when the elder one acts up to demand attention; instead be ready for that phase. Bring in gifts for the elder one too, when preparing the home to welcome the second one. Help your child in feeling important, and don’t ignore their questions regarding their place in your heart,” she concludes.