When sex is refused

“Please Jyothsna” pleaded Jaideep. “This is the 3rd month since you refused to have sex with me. What’s your problem?

Jyothsna retorted angrily, “You are my problem. You never bother to care for my feelings and needs.

Have you bothered to take me for a vacation in the past two years? Why should I alone fulfill your needs?”

One sexual difficulty that is explosive involves one partner requesting sex and being repeatedly refused. Why do people deny pleasure to their partners? Some common reasons are: one does not like the other, one uses sex as a weapon to hurt or control the other, one has a significantly lower sex drive than the other, one gets little pleasure from sexual interaction and one prefers intercourse at a time different from the other. Whatever be the reasons, the effects of refusal will be damaging. The effects include feelings of inadequacy, frustration and anger on the part of the refused partner, a deflated self-esteem in him/her, anxiety, depression, decreased sexual interaction due to avoidance learning and fault finding.

In most instances the reason for refusal is rarely exclusively a sexual one except when one does not get pleasure in sex. The cause is mostly due to relationship-based issues: marital discord or sex being used as a form of manipulation.

For Men:
Try and find out why she says no.
Seek professional help to overcome your sexual inadequacy, if any.

For Women:
Do not use sex as a weapon.
Clarify why you are not in the mood.
Remember that men hang their self esteem on their penises.

For Both:
Adopt effective communication patterns.
Use non-hurtful communication.
Arrive at flexible solutions.
Sex brings partners closer. Hence, both should strive to derive maximum out of it.

The writer is a sexologist. Mail him at dr.narayana@deccanmail. com