Nurturing sibling rivalry the right way

Oasis brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher are back at it again. Restarting their war of words against each other, Liam has accused his brother Noel of insensitivity after the Manchester tragedy. On the other hand, stories are making the rounds that say that Liam demanded a private jet to fly him to the concert and is using the controversy to gain publicity for his upcoming album Wall of Glass.

Sibling rivalry begins at a very young age. Several psychologists and experts believe that sibling rivalries happen in every family and that it doesn’t always go out of hand. Kinjal Pandya, a consulting psychologist, thinks that though it is a common occurrence, it is not healthy. “I hear a lot of people saying that sibling rivalry facilitates a healthy competition between siblings, and helps them use the achievements of the other as a benchmark and grow in life, but in reality, it is never going to be healthy,” she says. Explaining that one of the reasons that it will never lead to a good rapport is that there is undue pressure on the child to meet the expectations of the parents.

Life coach Khyati Birla concurs, but also says, “If competition is used only to highlight the good attributes of the siblings, then it could prove helpful. Otherwise, it is just a lot of pressure on the siblings.”

Khyati believes that it’s hard to know the source of this exactly, but it could mainly be due to the lack of maternal love. “Maternal love is more nourishing, whereas paternal love is considered protective. Between two siblings, one may get an excess of maternal love while the other may lack it. All parents always love one child more than the other, which is also natural.”

While even Kinjal believes that one sibling may be preferred over the other, she blames both parents. “Parents are always seeking certification from the outside world. And once they know that one kid is giving them better returns for their parental investments (which doesn’t necessarily have to be financial investments, even emotional investments count), they tend to concentrate more on that child. And, this is the number one mistake I have observed several parents make,” she concludes. This attitude, she says, also goes to show that often parents aren’t completely confident in their parenting and hence tend to be biased. “First step is that parents need to learn to respect a child for who s/he is.”

And, she also says that because of parental pressure, the siblings soon begin to develop a complex, which leads to internal conflicts.

On the bright side, there is a way out of this. Khyati says that interventions always help. “At different life stages, children will need different kinds of intercessions. If parents sit them down and talk it out with them, children could be taught emotional intelligence. As grownups, it is difficult as they have already been through years of conflict, but it is not impossible,” she concludes.