After the break-up

So, you had the break-up. But now you’ve gone beyond the stages of grief and commiseration. You have left the past behind and you’re on the good wicket of a burgeoning a new relationship. Well, congratulations!

But one of the regular readers of the column, however, drew my attention to a minor irritation that spoils the success or enjoyment of something when he wanted to know about “getting out of shadows of the ex on the present relationship”. Certainly, a relevant question, I thought.

Folks, break-ups happen. These days, you ask a friend how his partner is doing and you learn that the person you’re speaking of is past history! And a new relationship is on its way. But we still often cling to memories about our past relationships.

Dear one, you’ve come this far and dwelling in the past can cause erratic behaviour that prevents you from giving proper commitment of purpose to the current one. The syndrome operates in a similar manner as anger.  You don’t want to give in but you can’t hold back. You burn bridges, damage relationships, spoil a good scenario and often make regret your actions. So like anger it needs conscious management or you end up sitting on an indecisive fence of judgments while analysing the past which is holding you back from a proactive present. At stake are happiness and fulfillment. So how does one cope, you ask?

Counsel your mind that easily broods on what is amiss, rather than what is worthy of positive regard. You are glossing over the unpleasant things of the past that pushed the break up after all. You may think in retrospect that you could have changed something about yourself, but remember you couldn’t have changed your partner. People cannot change through your will because they are separate individuals and you cannot control their minds. Dwell on the present new chance to a new happiness and be grateful. You’ve got a companion now whom you liked enough to move on from a not-so-happy past.

Have realistic expectations. Do not try to change your partner with references and comparisons from your past either vocal or in your mind. They are different people. Take a notebook to write happy experiences of the present and the reason you went into this current relationship. It becomes a guide and reckoner for desirable thought and action. Incisively list the qualities that first attracted you to this partner. Maybe you are taking the person for granted. In the language of ‘Positive Thinking’, you create and enlarge upon all that you want to be grateful for by reaffirming little or big points of appreciation that you notice, or kindnesses rendered.

Dwell on a future that is new and with growth options of positive inputs and try to curb your critical demeanour of judgement based on a past relationship that is pulling you down.  Should you remember the last relationship at every little altercation with your partner — your mental comparisons will become destructive to the present and future. Nurture your togetherness with kindness. Don’t look for faults. Count good qualities. Give off positive energy and buoyancy and surely you will get love in large measures in return.

The writer is a columnist, designer and brand consultant. Mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com