Taking the plunge again

I know a beautiful and financially independent young lady who found Prince Charming and waltzed into the ‘happily ever after’ matrimony. Sad to say, she soon realised that the era of fairy tales, if it existed outside books, is gone into antiquity with the good old days.

Or perhaps, more realistically, as one cabbie educated me on seeing a young man and his lady meandering over the centre of the road with their arms around each other’s shoulders — “It’s their age of foolishness!”

Pooja Batra, the lovely actor I am speaking of here, in the aftermath of the debacle, similarly said, “Nisha, infatuation is a fact of youth and often we don’t know the difference. All I can say is that we only learn by living the consequences of our acts!” To this she added, “Youth is also afflicted with impaired hearing and a surge of hormones may drive the impulse further.”

My friend may well have gone through her period of uncertainty, insecurity, even self-blame at the failure of her marriage like we all do when we need to break up any relationship, and the customary “What will everyone say?” also slips into our thoughts. There may have been many other concerns that made her bear with the situation.

Pooja recently had a new lease to a fulfilling relationship and is keen to share with all those struggling with incompatible relationships that women must be independent financially, and “never settle for a bad relationship. My biggest advice to all of you is that you can’t change anyone so don’t even bother to go in that direction. Just have the courage to move on when all else fails.”

After the disillusioning marriage to a surgeon in Los Angeles, Pooja walked out of it. Would she agree that a woman madly in love and willing to give ‘it all up’ for love, home and heart, should wait before jumping into a relationship, or would she say that one has to go with their gut feeling and what transpires is the luck of the draw? After all, Pooja gave up a career in Indian cinema to live a life of anonymity in a foreign country. Is it better to marry later?

She responded, “Nisha, every person is different and so every relationship is different. Marriage is a huge commitment and families get involved. So it is a serious matter and not to be taken lightly. Infatuations are very often mistaken for love and, yet, I also feel that you have to sometimes live, learn and figure out who your jam is and how you want to treat your loved one and be treated. No amount of preaching or reading self-help books about love and marriage will teach a person to be prudent, only going through it will.  

“I definitely feel getting married in the twenties is not an advisable thing. People are still figuring themselves out at that age, and then the whole responsibility of a marriage is thrown upon young shoulders. It is definitely smarter to wait and take your time about this marriage step.”

Would Pooja then recommend a trial stay-in period before a step like marriage? Would she say living together and living life together is very different from the romantic run up? “Yes, a trial stay is very necessary. Even better is going on trips together and exploring the world together. I’ve found that travel together is when you really get to know the person you are with.”

Now that Pooja has found love and married actor Nawab Shah, she is ecstatic. “Love is beautiful. In my opinion the trick is to treasure it and keep it going. I am lucky to find Nawab as he has so many qualities that I love about him, he is altruistic and that is special to me.”

In one’s youth, infatuation is sometimes confused with love and men and women jump into relationships hastily. I believe the millennials are a smarter bunch who believe marriage can wait for the thirties, and enjoy each other for the experience than for definitions and destinations. They don’t fret when it is time to move on and when things didn’t work.  

The writer is a columnist, designer and brand consultant. Mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com