Your love horrorscope

Keeping in line with every relationship guru, I am issuing forth your love future for your perusal. For the sake of my reputation, please try and stick to the plan.

At this point I don’t think I need to remind you that I know it all. In fact, I know that I don’t need to remind anyone anything; that’s how much of a know-it-all I am. So while you are busy making plans to keep it all together, let me, once again, out of sheer benevolence (and a wish for large donations) decree you your future. Unlike others who drone on about zodiac signs and year of birth, mine are largely free from such variables. These predictions, just like family resentments, run deeper.

If you were born on a day which is an absolute integer greater than 1:

You may not get sex but you will get a sex change operation. Tired of seeing how the grass is greener on the other side of the gender (as also for them), you will apply for and successfully be admitted to a mass sex change operation which the government will roll out sometime in April. They will divert funds from Swachha Bharat for this noble cause, mostly because they are lying idle. The funds, that is. The government also. Post this, you will emerge a changed man, or woman, unless, of course, something horribly goes wrong during the bank transfer and the doctor has to be replaced by an interning vet.

If you were born out of wedlock (but don’t know it yet):

You will grow more tolerant of your partner’s unpredictable moods. Contrary to what it may seem, the hard-hitting rules imposed on us under the garb of sanskaar are mostly aimed at making us more accepting of the plight of others. By banning a display of meats, we are showing tolerance towards leaf-munchers, by covering up our women we are empathising with the uncontrollable male hormones, by propagating our religion zealously we are trying to grow a deeper understanding of how people lived under monotheistic and autocratic regimes. By first embracing the unpredictable nature of your partner you will evolve your own skills of patience and consequently you will be promoted to a high office in the GST regulation department where you will get a chance to dissipate your own brand of tolerance.

If at least two friends have blocked you on social media:

You, my friend, have shown great persistence by stalking your desirables; love will flourish, just not for you. Marriage will not bring the rewards you seek, let alone deserve. Instead, your partner’s secret lover will move into your basement and leech off your monthly rations. Even after you come to know about it you will let it slide because the house would have never looked cleaner. Eventually, they will evict you by two votes to one at which point you will shift into the garden shed and make friends with a rake. You will name it ‘Wilson’ with whom you will plot a plan to kill them, partner, lover, et al. Five years on, Tom Hanks will star in a movie adaptation of your life and make millions. You will rot in a jail, where a new kind of love will find you, even if you hide.

If you have ever stolen a bathing robe from a hotel:

On the travel front there will be much movement. With your pet animal lodging a formal complaint about your overtly lascivious advances under the garb of feeding it become media fodder, you will find yourselves on the run, deftly avoiding the police and the PETA who would have launched a joint initiative. But don’t worry, for here’s the good news —when they do finally catch you, they wouldn’t know what form of incarceration to contain you in or whether to have a shrink or a dog whisperer suss your psychological damage. Consequently, you will be shifted endlessly from one prison to another for your entire term. Unfortunately, there won’t be any frequent flyer miles with this.

If these predictions feel morbid or too far fetched, know that in some parallel universe this is already happening. So I am not a Guru with poor predicting prowess, I am just in the wrong timeline. Meanwhile, moral of the day: be happy with whatever partner you have.

The writer is a lover of wine, song and everything fine