Shobhaa De | Who's Desh ka Huzoor'? India gets its voice back

You know what they say about the morning after the night before? The haze and daze that greet you, can either fill you with heady euphoria or deep shame. The raunchy boudoir of politics with strange bed partners creates its own thrills and frissons. I am giddy with hope and optimism now, after the astonishing numbers of the world’s biggest elections rolled in earlier this week. Never have I felt as proud to be Indian. To have lived long enough to witness a vibrant democracy in action -- unfettered and unafraid of consequences. Who would have thought??? Who would have dared to dream that such an unexpected result would finally put an end to ten years of repression? Well… I exaggerate. And have spoken too soon. But even the possibility of coming this close to achieving partial victory, had seemed remote till the counting started early on Tuesday morning. This is not the time to gloat or dance on graves. But it is certainly the time to allow ourselves much needed exultation… to exhale again… to dream again!

The 20.4 crore Muslims of India are the biggest winners of this election. Their faith in the Constitution and its principles has been restored. After living in fear of complete marginalisation for a decade and more, our Muslim co-citizens must be heaving a sigh of relief. Their lives and livelihoods are safe, regardless of who forms the next government. These legitimate fears were deliberately ignored and downplayed as the BJP bosses went ahead with their brand of aggressive Hindutva. Look where it got them! A resounding defeat in Ayodhya! What could be a bigger slap? Lord Ram presiding in his magnificent temple must be smiling at the new “vaatavaran”, in not just his birthplace, but the entire country. Compassionate Hinduism has won over Hate Hinduism.

India has got its voice back. Goodbye, laryngitis.

Let’s identify the heroes of Elections 2024, before we get to the villains. I would say it’s the young of India -- even those who held back their votes as a form of silent protest. Disgruntled, disgusted and disenchanted, the young had resigned themselves to living in an India without jobs and decent employment. Why vote for the same old self-seeking leaders who talk big, announce mega plans but have failed to create jobs for millions of educated, bright people? The same youngsters with degrees going door to door seeking employment as drivers and domestic help?

The only way for this segment to vent frustration was through the social media. The strongest resistance to the status quo came from anonymous content creators posting reels and hosting podcasts that spoke their language and breached barriers. 29-year-old YouTuber, vlogger and activist Dhruv Rathee, with combined views of 4.41 billion (you read that right) became an overnight icon, all thanks to his forthright analysis of current politics. Rathee’s Modi: The Real Story received 27 million views, and his impact on voters has been nothing short of powerful. By comparison, an irrelevant and compromised Arnab (Goswami) made an utter fool of himself with his ludicrous conspiracy theories, including the latest one which insists that AI had worked for the Congress Party and sabotaged the BJP. Laughing stock? No. Much worse!

Priyanka Gandhi Vadra has emerged as the single most influential star campaigner, responsible for the dramatic turnaround not just for the Congress Party, but more specifically for her brother Rahul Gandhi. Pappu can win, saala! This was proved by her consistent and convincing communication as she travelled tirelessly to deliver the message. Without her stellar presence in the campaign, Rahul’s 4-lakh-plus lead in Rae Bareli would not have happened. It’s doubtful that the Congress Party, without the Priyanka factor, itself would have racked up a total of 99 seats. Call it a a “fractured mandate”, call it anything. But, thanks to her, the mighty throne shook! That’s more important. Rahul Gandhi, blunt and moofat as always, articulated it best at the post-results press conference on Tuesday: “The people of India have said unanimously –'We don’t want Narendra Modi and Amit Shah involved in the running of this country’.’’ There! Finally, someone has put it into words.

Rahul Gandhi had addressed an impressive 108 rallies, dressed casually in his trademark white T-shirt -- no elaborate get-ups and costumes. His “Khata khat, Khata khat, Khata khat” chant echoed across India and galvanised voters. What happens next will be determined by the frenzied horse-trading that will be going on.

Personality cults work in our sentimental country. But megalomania backfires. Had Narendra Modi, with his bombastic one-man show, curtailed his braggadocio, and not linked his party’s win to his own selfish victory, perhaps his “400 Paar” boast would not have sounded this hollow. It is precisely his non-stop chest-thumping (56 inches, no less, remember?) that came to bite him. Plus, the most idiotic error of all -- marginalising Yogi Adityanath -- the boss of Uttar Pradesh. Why? Because Yogi was the only threat to Mr Modi’s supremacy. Look what happened! Disaster with a capital “D”. The obvious insecurity and paranoia of one man (Namo) cost the party dearly.

The RSS bosses aren’t amused.

It is being whispered that heads will roll. Quickly at that. Demotions are underway. Two biggies (yes, those two) will be cut down to size and sent into vanvaas. One of them is good at meditation, but not mediation. The other has not heard of the word “penance”. Vocab reboot, underway. Ab tera kya hoga, Kaliya?

The question of picking the next “Huzoor” in the political “Heeramandi” still remains. There are enough courtesans waiting for the right “sahab” (bidder ) to show them the money. The ultimate “paltu” -- Nitesh Kumar -- will have no hesitation bed-hopping and sleeping with the enemy. The dodgy “morality” of netas has never been an issue -- it’s a part of their character. But right now, people are demanding a DNA test to determine who’s the real father of the BJP.  Is it the one spreading the “immaculate conception” story? The man who aspired to replace God??? Or…?

Till then, folks… the heat is on. And as a popular meme goes: Ab ki baar, Chocobaar. No debate: Old-fashioned Chocobars are yummier to lick this summer than filthy derrieres.

Today, Indians everywhere can stand tall. We have earned the respect of the world by defeating hate.