Don & Boris: Two weirdoes with too much power

The world now has two weirdoes with floor mops on their heads dominating the global media space! Some would say the world has two buffoons heading governments in America and England, and leading their troops into battle, while astonished bystanders gasp! Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are priceless case studies in the political sphere — their acceptance tells us more about ourselves than anything they can say about themselves. It’s possible we are in the grip of a weirdo epidemic globally. Look around you. Do any of the other political biggies appear “normal”? Or is weirdness itself the new normal? Here’s another question: Do the Brits love Boris precisely because he is weird and completely OTT? Is that also true about the Americans who are going to vote for The Donald and grant him a second term so he doesn’t have to vacate the White House in a hurry? Watching these two men and monitoring their daily antics is going to be hugely entertaining for the rest of us. But wait a minute — since when did we sanction clowns to exert this level of power over millions of lives? Here’s the counter-view: Perhaps these two men are merely playacting, and in reality, we are the chumps. Insiders claim both guys are sharp, shrewd and ruthless. They enjoy playing games with the trusting voters. It appears to be really, really easy to manipulate gullible idiots like ourselves — which then makes us the real clowns in such a crazy scenario.

I was talking to a close family friend who is just back from a longish trip to America. He confirmed what people in our part of the world have suspected — Trump rules. Most Americans he met and discussed Trump with vehemently and overwhelmingly supported their President. Yes, even after those cheap potshots at the Dem ladies, and the never ending jibes at just about everyone else — his mass popularity is impossible to deny — if anything, it’s soaring. As my friend was reminded by locals, “Don’t go by what New Yorkers think. Ignore the Washington snobs. They live in a parallel universe. Listen to the voices of the average American, and you will figure out why Trump ain’t going nowhere — he will win with a thumping majority in 2020.” Take a look a Boris’ cheeky quote in 2012: “My chances of becoming Prime Minister are only slightly better than being decapitated by a frisbee, blinded by a champagne cork, locked in a fridge or being reincarnated as an olive.”

Both Boris and Donald have made public displays of outrageous conduct their calling cards. As @jonwinson tweeted “I mean, Boris Johnson is basically what you’d get if you sent Donald Trump to Eton.” Perfectly put. Now that Boris is safely ensconced at 10 Downing, Indians are busy claiming him as one of their own. Kyon? Because his ex-wife’s mother is Indian. That almost makes him “Hamara Boris” — India ka jamai. We love to appropriate famous folks with tenuous links to anything desi. Boris (55), divorced Marina Wheeler, his wife of 26 years and mother of their three children, and is currently with a lady friend named Carrie Symonds, 25 years his junior. Boris is described as a “serial philanderer” by the Brit tabloids. There is enormous respect, even admiration, hidden in the description. It makes Boris a super stud in the eyes of the public, who gleefully note every bedroom romp and sexual grunt of their newly minted Prime Minister. Just a few days earlier, his neighbours had summoned the police to break up a loud fight between him and his blonde girlfriend, who was heard repeatedly yelling, “Get off me…!” While a few stodgy, old bores tut-tutted and mistakenly assumed such an embarrassing scene would cost Boris the vote — in reality, his reputation soared… and there he is! Kinky conduct has always been a huge turn on for the English, especially if it involves the royals and politicians having a rambunctious roll in the hay with assorted lovers. Ironically, high profile couples who remain true and faithful to their marriage vows have become the odd balls across the world. Soooo boring, say millennials with much rolling of eyes. If Americans think nothing of their motormouth President’s innumerable peccadilloes with escort ladies and prostitutes, the Brits too, get their cheap thrills from hanging on to salacious details about their celebrities.

It’s happening in India as well. Trying to impose a strict moral code for netas and citizens has frequently backfired, even if the current administration does favour sadhvis and monks, godmen and other frauds clad in robes. Costumes do not a saint make! While we were processing the arrogant and tasteless comments made by Malegaon blasts accused Sadhvi Pragya… (“I have not been elected to clean your toilets and drains…”), there was high drama going on in Karnataka. There again, the language used was colourful and intemperate. Is it only in India that we employ a unique strategy to “discourage” defections and stop MLAs from jumping ship, by virtually holding them prisoners in luxury resorts till they soften and surrender? Across the world, performers have replaced politicians. The person with the better-scripted lines, designed to impress the lowest common denominator, is declared the unchallenged winner in any contest.

With Boris and Donald, it’s going to be far more visual, and dominated by their respective haircuts. Boris was famously asked by David Letterman, the legendary American chat show host, how long he had been cutting his own hair! Trump has convincingly demonstrated that his ridiculous comb over is for real — it is not a toupee — by tugging it on camera. Boris’ platinum blond mop, tousled to photogenic perfection (“medieval monk” look, according to Marie Claire magazine), is likely to overshadow Donald’s orange bouffant in the coming optics’ competition. In all these hirsute preoccupations and diversions, will anybody care to focus on the ding-dong Brexit battle or the looming crisis in Iran? Or have we also been reduced to thumb-sucking juveniles hooked on puerile political shenanigans while the universe blows itself up?

It’s time to get Alexa to run the world. That is, if she isn’t doing it already.