Love shouldn’t hurt

Life coaches highlight the signs of an abusive relationship and ways to deal with it.

The news of television actress Pratyusha Banerjee’s sudden death on April 1 came as a rude shock to both the industry and fans alike. It is a dubious case of suicide and the waters are getting murkier by the minute, with more people in her friends’ circle claiming that it was her troubled relationship with boyfriend Rahul Raj Singh that cornered her to take an extreme step. There are talks floating around about how Rahul used to hit her in public, abuse her, try to extract money from her and even cheat on her. The relationship, if her friends are to be believed, was messy beyond repair. Pratyusha’s past relationships were also abusive and ended in disaster. Toxic and abusive relationships are not restricted to any particular class of society. It is a more prevalent problem than most would like to acknowledge.

Life coaches we spoke to say that the signs of an abusive relationship usually tend to show up quite early. “But we choose to ignore them. Often friends and family have already warned the person against the partner because they can see beyond the love-struck perception. While one might find the signs ‘cute’ in the start, the ugliness will get bitter and wilder in the future. Unreasonable possessiveness is a sure shot sign of obsession leading to abuse in the relationship,” says life coach Priya Kumar.

Often the reason behind putting up with abusive partners is because the other person is too insecure to walk away. But in tolerating what’s wrong, they only end up inviting more trouble, points out life coach Milind Jadhav. “This is about self-love and self-respect. If you allow your partner to abuse you and not do anything about it, it simply means you don’t love yourself enough,” he says. It is vital to believe in yourself, no matter how rough things get, says Priya Kumar. “No matter how aggressive or difficult the person or the situation becomes keep your stand if you believe you are right. Accommodate if you have to, but don’t compromise on your own morals and self-respect.” Physical violence is a criminal act and one must let law take its course. “You have to let the law deal with this. If you don’t, it means you are consciously or sub-consciously playing victim. There is no point in suffering abuse in the name of love and acceptance,” Milind adds.

It’s essential from the beginning to be alert and watchful rather than create a bubble and believe in something unreal. “It takes lot of awareness and immense honesty to build a healthy connection especially when you know how the need to be with someone can make you oversee the truth,” says life coach Veechi Shahi.

When things get rough, it’s wise to turn to those close to you for help. “Ask for help but for that you have to make a firm decision to end it. More often than not friends and family will support you and also protect you from harm’s reach. So take the step,” Priya adds.

You know you are in an abusive relationship if: You live in fear of the person you love. You are anxious all the time You feel threatened to speak up or fear doing something that can make you feel secure You feel it’s your responsibility to maintain peace and to nurture the relationship, else all hell will break loose and you will be left alone You feel helpless and worthless in a relationship Your partner is angry one minute and threatens you with suicide the next minute The relationship improves when you stop expressing your own free will. That is, you stop speaking up against any hurts, become completely passive in terms of decision-making and live only as per your partner’s terms — Khyati Birla, life coach