Emotional abuse survivors from all over the world are making a statement about a non-physical form of abuse in relationships that often goes unnoticed
#MaybeHeDoesntHitYou, a twitter hashtag that was heavily trending a few days ago, managed to raise awareness about non-physical abuse — a vice that is often brushed under the carpet. ‘#MaybeHeDoesntHitYou but he makes you apologize because you get upset and “acted crazy” after he did something to hurt/upset you’, ‘#maybehedoesnthityou but he tries to control who you talk to, where you go, what friends you can have, and acts like it's out of love’ were a few of the many instances shared by women around the world who are victims of this kind of domestic abuse. In the past international celebrities like Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey have made vocal their experiences of the same. However, this form of violence is still not much talked about. According to psychologists and counsellors, it is more rampant than physical abuse, however, due to its non-tangible nature, the victims often fail to take their culprits to task.
Counselling psychologist and psychotherapist Dr Kashissh A. Chhabriaa explains, “There are two forms of non-physical abuse — mental, in which a person manipulates the spouse to work things according to their own whims and fancies and if the spouse won’t they are looked down upon. Verbal where demeaning words are hurled,” she says. Speaking of the signs of non-physical abuse, Dr Rajan Bhonsle adds, “Making the partner insecure and jealous just to keep them on their toes, being cold to the partner but jovially mingling with people from the opposite sex, witholding intimacy are some of the signs though they often go unnoticed ” explains Rajan.
The vice stems from the fact that how when one loves someone, or is in a relationship with someone, they think they have the power to control them, points out psychiatrist Dr Harish Shetty.
He explains that the person, out of sheer love, will agree to whatever the partner has to say out of sheer love, but when the former doesn’t, the signs of agitation start showing. “People with low self-esteem usually succumb to emotional abuse because they don’t understand that what they are going through is erroneous. Instead, they assume that it is their way of life and what they are doing is totally fine,” Dr Shetty says.
Sharing a case study, he recalls the story of a girl who jumped into her second relationship immediately after she realised her first husband was physically abusive. “The second husband’s case was different altogether. It started with regular calls at her workplace asking for her exact location. Initially to her, it seemed like cute possessiveness — she was just out of a battered relationship. But it soon turned into a nightmare. Her second husband now demanded to know what she did the entire day by expecting e-mails of her day plan, ‘Share your day with me love’ he’d say. The girl willingly obliged as her former husband had crushed her self-esteem and the kind of attention she was receiving from her present husband seemed to be the only way of life,” Dr Shetty says.
It was one day when he did not get the email, that all hell broke lose and he accused her of not being a good wife. “That’s when she realised that the problem needed addressing. Those who abuse are cowards and if someone dares to oppose, they won’t repeat the behaviour. But then one should be strong enough to stand up for themselves and that is hard for those who have unwittingly become used to the abuse. In this girl’s case, when she stood up for herself and realised her self-worth, the guy stopped pestering her,” he adds.
Marriage counsellor Nisha Khanna sheds a different light on the issue. According to her, people who emotionally abuse usually have a history of being subjected to child abuse and bullying. “These anti-social traits in their childhood mature into full-fledged revengeful and jealousy traits as adults. When partners are constantly trying to make their better halves feel inferior, taunt them about minute things, they are reiterating things people told them when they were children,” she reveals.
Dr Rajan Bhosale has another take. “Couples in such kind of relationships usually grow up imitating their parents and unconsciously behave the way they see their mother and father during childhood,” he says.
Although it were the women who largely raised their voices on Twitter, there were men too who followed suit. Only yesterday, a few of them shared their instances of being at the receiving end of emotional abuse under the #MayBeSheDoesntHitYou.
“Men do give in to this type of abuse because they are emotionally dependent on their partner. They get used to it as a known devil is better than an unknown stranger. It happens to Indian men especially because unlike what is very commonly perceived, many of them cannot speak against their wife or their mothers. They then get mentally frustrated and aggressive. Generally, men don’t tend to express it well which is why in their case, non-physical abuse remains even more unheard-of,” says Dr Chhabriaa.
Too much emotional abuse can also result in what psychiatrists call ‘emotional divorce’.
“They stay together for the sake of their children and the society but stop feeling connected and this is the worst form of withdrawal. They don’t care about what their partners are going through and are just engrossed in their own lives,” says Dr Bhonsle.
How to spot an emotionally abusive partner Extreme suspicion and possessiveness are the first signs of emotional abuse. Send a picture! Where are you What is your exact location I'll buy all your clothes. I'll decide what you will wear for the party. Indifference to the suffering of the partner during an illness, loss of a job or financial crisis. Not communicating and keeping the words to the bare minimum. Denying any expressions of love or intimacy. Abusing the partners close relatives and calling them names, and criticizing the partners' colour, size, race, educational qualifications, weight etc. Not allowing the partner to take charge of their own money and keeping tabs on where they spend and invest. Deciding what they eat. When your partner screams at you in public, bitches about you behind your back Dr. Harish Shetty, Psychiatrist
