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  Life   More Features  16 Dec 2018  Forgive and forget

Forgive and forget

Published : Dec 16, 2018, 12:08 am IST
Updated : Dec 16, 2018, 12:08 am IST

Maturity suggests ‘that’s life’ but I think maturity operates from the mind and that is a space distanced away from the heart?

Unlike marriage, friendship is totally a spontaneous free-flowing bond.
 Unlike marriage, friendship is totally a spontaneous free-flowing bond.

A friend of mine, Nina once told me how much discomfort she had felt ‘fighting’ with her best friend. “Making up was more important for me and my peace of mind than for her. It was nearly so that I could get on with my work than obsess about our relationship. I told myself I’d invest less of my own emotion on that relationship in the future, seeing that I’m more involved with our equation than she is, but for now let me just work at reconciliation.”  Making up and being at peace with oneself is more important sometimes than sitting on a high horse with ego issues and evaluating a friend and having expectations.

In any friendship one person is more invested than another, and when this equation is very one sided, the other friend gets hurt and feels upset often. The way out then is to become less invested and take your love and warmth and put it into a person or a hobby that is more rewarding. And yet, I’d say that this does not mean that you do away with that friendship entirely in hurt and bitterness. The balanced thing to do, however challenging, is to cut back slowly by counseling yourself and empower yourself by devoting your time and feelings in preoccupations that are more gratifying.

Practical good sense!  And we all acknowledge the truth. I don’t  need to add ‘lets control our own impulsive emotional overreactions’!!  Lets not imbibe relationships with expectations,  unless you seek a path to fraught with frustrations. Infact, if push comes to shove, and things reach the unfortunate culmination,  be your own counsellor and reason with all the good sense .   If you ever called it a friendship,  it had and probably has some level of desirable connect worth some weight atleast.  The Dalai Lama says that Buddhism maintains we are all connected.  Indeed,  no man is an island!  All philosophies assert that preservation of harmony is the desirable option for first of all your own heart and mind’s wellbeing and yes, then the wellbeing of all  humanity’s wellbeing. A, heavy responsibility.

From your epicenter you can just feel the discomfort from  encounters that are uncomfortable,  in comparison to a smiley “Hello”!

If it has to be a parting,  well thats, life.   we could do our best to leave it without anguish, withdrawal symptoms, blame, vindictiveness and subsequent acidity. Tall order to an unsettled mind at the time,  but on hope the world goes around.

As I have often said I am a “Friend’ person. I love and value friends and feel life enriched with friends around. I nurture my friendships and often enough invest love in them. But here I do have to admit that there have been instances ,despite all this, where  the friendships have gone the way of even painful parting and hurt. Maturity suggests “that’s life” but I think maturity operates from the mind and that is a space distanced away from the heart?

So I was all empathy and sympathy wen Nina- a caring affectionate, giving friend came to me with her tearful tale of hurt. I’ve seen her through her cherished her friendship and how bewildered she has been when it came about to an unpleasant discord. I had at that time reasoned with her that emotions cannot be demanded in equal measure of  kilos and grams. Individuals have by definition their individual makeup. Nina with her soft, caring, gIving heart may have even created a situation where the other could have taken her for granted? We’ve all seen it. In husbands and wives,mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws , siblings work-spaces -everywhere closeness or proximity in relationships allows.

Emphasis on expectations or dwelling upon all that she has given or done and weighing it with unfulfilled returns is a sure way to embittered disappointment.

The writer is a columnist, designer and brand consultant. Mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com

Tags: best friend, friendship