If there is one thing that unites mankind, it is the pursuit of happiness. All of us long to be happy. Everything we do, whether it is earning a six-figure salary, marrying the man of our dreams, having children, achieving an hour-glass figure, buying a BMW, succeeding at work, has happiness as the ultimate aim. But the salary comes with onerous responsibilities and an exacting boss, the man of our dreams reveals his darker side, the BMW gets totalled in an accident, someone succeeds even more than we do, and our happiness dissolves and disappears.
Strive as mightily as we may, happiness never seems to come to roost at our doorstep. Isn’t this odd? How is it that no matter what, we fail to snare it? Could it be that we are looking for it in the wrong direction?
At the age of 16, I drifted into a low-grade depression. I was confused, did not understand life and had no confidence in myself or my capabilities. I drifted for a good many years, simply going through the motions of living. And then I had a spiritual awakening. A relationship had gone asunder and the person had told me that I had not made him happy. I swore that if not within the relationship I would make him happy outside it. But how could I when he was doing his best to provoke me and make me angry? I pondered over this for a few days until I had a revelation. If I truly wanted his happiness, whatever he did or said should be ok with me, because it was his happiness I wanted and not mine. No sooner had I had this radical thought, than I felt myself sinking into profound peace, and my negative feelings settled down.
I began to use this as a mantra. “It is the other’s happiness and not mine”, I would chant, and immediately I would find myself transiting outside my ego boundaries and showing up betwixt and between me and the other. In that domain, the other’s feelings, thoughts, needs and desires were every bit as important as mine and it enabled me to arbitrate with great detachment. What is more, each time I prioritised the happiness of the other, I began to grow in happiness. Going out of my way to do something for the other, sacrificing my own desires to fulfill that of others, made me happier and happier, until I stumbled upon the secret of true happiness. As long as we try and secure our own happiness, we will fail. But the moment we focus on the happiness of the other, when we joyously go without so the other can have more, we access true happiness. Mothers know this, don’t they? The joy they get in watching their child eat a rare morsel is much more than they would get in eating it themselves.
Is this easy? It is not. Our overweening ego, with its emotional and psychological needs, its fears and doubts, likes and dislikes, hurts and wounds, wants and desires, binds us in a prison of self-satiation. We feel inadequate, empty, greedy and the more we feel this, the more we try and gobble what we feel will make us happy — good food, good times, material possessions, and so on, without caring about the other. But alas, we are looking the wrong way.
So what must we do to make happiness ours? We must work on healing the ego, forgiving others and ourselves, building up self-esteem, and reducing desires. The more we reduce the hold of our ego, the greater our chance at happiness. This, of course, takes time, but what better goal could we direct our lives to but happiness?
The writer is former editor-in-chief of Life Positive magazine and founder, facilitator of the Zen of Good Writing Course. Contact her at sumavarughese@gmail.com
