It’s complicated: Loving the one that left

Can someone you’ve had falling out with, turn into a pillar of support? With the person gone, something special had come to an end... something intimate. For days after that person’s departure from your life, you were either troubled or unhappy.

So, can such a person turn up a few months later and assume a role of importance? Because it’s true, an ex can transform into a good friend. The romance might have ended years ago but a certain sort of love doesn’t have to vanish between you both.

For example, try Hrithik Roshan. Sussanne Khan and he ended an entire 13-year-long marriage and chose to move on. But they are there for each other. Sussanne looked incredibly comfortable recently and Hrithik was equally at ease as the two celebrated his birthday together. There was no awkwardness, no residual fury or negative emotions. One of life’s most important promises didn’t work out between them but, they were cool blowing candles together — that’s special. And friends do have each other’s backs. When the former husband landed himself in trouble with an actress, the ex-wife was around... voicing support for him.

But the late Om Puri had perhaps the best thing going with his former partner. Seema Kapoor is believed to have joined the actor during trips to the hospital, for tests, for follow-ups and was always a phone call away, until the very end. Yes, they were not happy living under the same roof but they hit it off brilliantly as buddies. So, how do you get this rapport going? It is, after all, one of the toughest connections to achieve and maintain.  

Well, the trick is to let go. Forget all that bitterness, pain and anger that most break-ups bring with them. It will not be immediately possible but like most things in life, it’s definitely doable. And unless your former partner was an all-round moron, why not shape this bond you share to match present circumstances.

Remember, both of you spent years together and there are certain details and vibes only you recognise in each other. So why let go of that friendship, which was forged by mutual respect and adoration? You can still get her to share that playlist and you can be around for that late-night phone call, answering queries about a new gizmo.

Also, it would be nice to hang out with a group of common friends without spending most of the evening ignoring each other or exchanging death stares. Take baby steps and don’t play to cliches while trying to establish a comfort zone. You don’t want an artificial bubble... you want a zone of peace built using the remains of what was once something wonderful.