I invoked the ire and the ghost of Devdas by calling him a loser in my last article about ‘The Pitfalls of Loveshock’ for drowning in alcohol post losing his love. “Loser, eh?” he mocked. “I bet you can tell me a thing or two about how to cope, wise guy!” he mocked. So here goes.
How do I cope when I can’t seem to get the ex off my mind? The intensity of obsessive thoughts burns out with time. Try the ‘thought-blocking technique’. Tell yourself to ‘STOP’ every time, start thinking of or doing something else that is equally compelling and engaging.
How do I steer clear of revenge-loving? Realise, recognise and release your anger. Act out your anger within yourself and not at another person. Write your feelings, correspond with it daily. Evaluate your reactions to different people and, if you decide to get into a relationship, assess for yourself the role it is going to play in your life. A therapist is always on hand for you.
How do I rise above self-pity? Again ‘thought-blocking process’. List out every positive aspect of your life and fine-tune positivity. De-idealise your ex by listing out his/her negative aspects. Focus on them.
How do I tide over rebounding? Understand and acknowledge that your frenetic behaviour stems from your pain as well as your assumed helplessness to be alone. Don’t run away from pain. It can be constructive. The challenge is to function the best you can and deal with it. Recondition your behavior-outdoor exercises, a new hobby, calling on old friends, finding new friends, social service, yoga, meditation, etc.
How do I extricate myself from feeling like a moth drawn to a flame? Put the dynamics of your relationship under scanner mode and answer few questions. what was good about it, when and why did it begin to change, why did it end and in what way is it beneficial to the person concerned after its end. Record the answers in a tape and listen to it from time to time. It will help you put things in the perspective of how things were and how things are now.
How do I fight drug or alcohol abuse? Accept the fact that you need help and seek help. Denial will not help. Realise that you are escaping through excesses because you are unable to handle emotional pain.
How do I avoid constant comparisons to my ex? Get in touch with your needs. Find someone who fulfills those needs without the wounds or incompatibilities of the precious relationship.
Get in touch with reality. Its one life. Live it.
The writer is a sexologist. Mail him at dr.narayana @deccanmail. com
