Farrukh Dhondy | Starmer in No. 10, as Tories bite the dust, but don’t wait for any major shift

Who has not felt in love some pain --

Some thought of love’s betrayal?

Or was it just some jealous, vain

Fantasy which so many dreams assail?

O Bachchoo, keep some basic faith

Fantasies may be a lie --

A ghost, a spectre or a wraith

That betrays the love between you and I?

From Poems posted on Theek-Thaak, by Bachchoo

That the Labour Party was going to be the UK’s next government from July 5 was as predictable as the Pope not converting to Protestantism or bears not using public lavatories and continuing to defecate in the jungle. The opinion polls have been predicting it for months.

On election night after the July 4 single-day election, the exit polls predicted that Labour would get 410 seats in the House of Commons -- and so it came almost precisely to pass. A 170-173 majority over the Opposition.

No secret ballot, I voted Labour. As Martin Luther said: “I can do no other!” I would have said so to exit pollsters but there weren’t any outside the rock-solid Labour constituency polling booths in South London. Why deploy paid personnel to find out if the Pope is still a Catholic? (This clichéd analogy is getting tedious --Ed. Sorry, but getting the point home, yaar -- fd).

OK, so a majority of 170 and a disastrous fall for Hedgie Sunak’s (This column clairvoyantly called him Hedgie Soongone!) Tory Party but… a very strange BUT: While Labour won the highest number of seats in its history, it did so with the lowest percentage of votes -- even five per cent down from its disastrous loss to the Tories in 2019. How? The vicissitudes of the first-past-the-post system. I know the maths but, gentle reader, needn’t bore you with them.

Instead, let me enumerate my personal feelings of schadenfreude and disappointment when the results were declared. I was happy to learn that while the ultra-right bigoted, racist party called Reform, which was predicted by the exit polls to win thirteen seats, only ended up with four. Four too many perhaps for the good of a civilised nation, but it should stop its leader Nigel Farage from cultivating his ambition to “unite the right” and, perhaps, even worm himself into the leadership of the depleted Tory party. This possibility was endorsed by none other than Ms send-them-to-Rwanda Cruella Braverman. Incidentally, she retained her seat, as did Hedgie and the other Ms pander-to-Rwanda, Priti Patel. Triple Yuck!

The balancing schadenfreude to these disappointments is the fact that eleven Tory ministers and former ministers lost their seats -- among them former PM Liz Truss, defence minister Grant Shapps and Penny Mordaunt, who was self-appointedly in the running to replace Hedgie as leader of the Tories after his party’s certain defeat and his resignation from the post.

The other loss which prompts celebration is the defeat of Pomposity-in-human-form, a fellow called Jacob Rees-Mogg, the former minister for Brexit. If this were a photographic column, gentle reader, you’d be able to judge for yourself -- but there’s always the Internet for the curious.

What happens now -- as certain as the Pope… err… OK... OK... the furniture and wardrobe moving trucks arrive through the security gates of Downing Street and cart Hedgie’s family’s ample possessions away. Perhaps a couple of more modest trucks install the Starmer family in No. 10 and Rachel Reeves, now certainly the chancellor of the exchequer (finance minister, yaaron) in No. 11. Long before that, of course, Sir Keir Starmer would have gone to the Palace to be formally appointed the Prime Minister by King Charles III.

But that’s just protocol. What happens to Britain? According to very many commentators and “experts”, including pro-Labour ones, “nothing very much in the immediate future”.

This landslide or tsunamic victory for Labour has been labelled a lurch to the Left. That’s only in contrast with the movements to the Right in Europe, such as the triumph of Marine Le Pen’s party in France. Keir Starmer and Rachel Reeves have, over the past year, cultivated good relations with business of all sorts. D.H. Lawrence once wrote to E.M. Forster saying “business is no good!”, but Ms Reeves and Mr Starmer probably don’t read DH’s letters or if they do, disagree with him. Their economic mantra is that they will fund reforms in the National Health Service and education, etc, by growth in the economy rather than raising the taxes of the general public.

Yes, they will tax those who escape taxation by being “non-doms” -- such as Mrs Hedgie, though when she was named and shamed she did agree to pay tax on her foreign income -- declaring themselves as resident outside the UK.

“Only visiting, Guv!”

Ms Reeves may abolish such status absolutely. That may, as Rustom Immoralearningswalla, my second cousin thrice removed (each time by the immigration authorities) maintains, lead to a flight of the rich from the country, taking their investments with them. Which will, of course, affect the plan to grow Britain’s economy.

One Cabinet appointment that I shall be watching out for is that of the foreign secretary. The shadow post was held by David Lammy, who didn’t oppose the Tory pro-Israeli stance even as the slaughter of civilians in Gaza proceeded.

Labour later retracted. Will he be confirmed as foreign secretary and will that, with Labour ‘s huge majority, result in suspension of arms sales to Israel? There will be so many watching this space.