Krishna Shastri Devulapalli | A short list of (almost) all my problems

What’s your problem, someone asked me the other day. I get asked this a lot and somehow hadn’t had the opportunity thus far to respond properly.

You have a minute? I said.

Yeah, sure, he said.

Well, I’ll tell you what my problem is.

My problem is that you don’t mean it when you say sorry. My problem is you don’t know how to forgive. My problem is you don’t acknowledge what is good but are quick to find fault. My problem is you think it’s okay not to respond to mails, messages or calls. My problem is that you think boundaries only apply to you. My problem is that you see yourself as sensitive when you are merely touchy.

My problem is you think it’s fine to be late. My problem is you think the world owes you something while your debt to it should be written off. My problem is you don’t have a sense of humour. My problem is you think you do. My problem is you think your kids are special. And think the world should think so, too.

My problem is you treat your driver badly. My problem is you let your boss treat you badly. My problem is you don’t like women. My problem is you discuss them endlessly with other men. My problem is you behave differently when your spouse is around. My problem is that ‘gymming’ is a verb for you.

My problem is you think being a businessman, lawyer or techie comes above being human. My problem is you think social media has no rules. My problem is you think you actually like groups when you just like to exclude people. My problem is you think Telugus, Bengalis, Jews or Nigerians are bad. My problem is you think only Telugus or Bengalis or Jews or Nigerians are good.

My problem is you’ll never change. My problem is you go on changing. My problem is that you do one or the other depending on which is more convenient for you. My problem is you are quick to judge. My problem is you are a bad judge.

My problem is you are a bully, and like all bullies, a coward. My problem is you resort to platitudes when cornered. My problem is you use the word ‘positivity’ to negate people’s feelings. My problem is you are needy. And like all needy people, withholding. My problem is you are okay taking what isn’t yours. My problem is you think what is yours is yours alone. My problem is you never give spontaneously.

My problem is you don’t like dogs. My problem is you think dry leaves in your yard means you cut down the tree. My problem is you are superstitious and indulgent while thinking you are a combination of traditional and modern.

My problem is you make your driver stop the car in the middle of the road when you get off at your place of worship. My problem is that you think having a picture of some god as your DP makes you spiritual.

My problem is you don’t call your watchman by his name. My problem is you are a poor tipper. My problem is you speak about real estate and shares at social gatherings. My problem is you make the underfed waiter holding a heavy tray wait while you decide which piece of chicken tikka you want. My problem is you pretend you like single malts. My problem is you say ‘When I was in 6th Grade’ though you studied in Maha Chandrika Matriculation School.

My problem is you don’t have a twinkle in your eye. My problem is you don’t have gravitas.

My problem is your only friends are your school friends. My problem is you don’t read. My problem is you only read forwards. My problem is you are full of sentiment. My problem is you have no feelings.

My problem is you left this country and call yourself a patriot. My problem is you call yourself a patriot and don’t know the third line of ‘Jana Gana Mana’. My problem is you call yourself a patriot, know the ‘Jana Gana Mana’ by heart, but hate your neighbour.

My problem is you are unteachable. My problem is there is nothing I can learn from you.

My problem is you’ll dismiss this as a rant.

My problem is that you think I’m the one with a problem.