Krishna Shastri Devulapalli | Leaked interview from a pan-India film audition

Those present: Producer, director, writer and a twenty-two-year-old young hopeful from interior Punjab aspiring to become a South Indian leading lady.

Casting for the three-hundred crore (in two parts) film is going on in full swing.

Director: So what do you think of your role?

Heroine Hopeful: Er, I love the story and all, sir…but I have a question.

Producer: Go ahead, but make it quick. Seven young aspirants are waiting in the foyer.

HH: In this scene here, why am I supposed to wear shorts that my eleven-year-old niece couldn’t get into, and this bralette cut in half?

D: Because the script demands it, ma.

HH: Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this the scene where I’m at a prayer meeting?

D: Yes. Prayer scene in shorts is the highlight of the picture, ma, right?

The writer nods his head vigorously.

HH: I don’t get it, sir.

D: See, ma, this is the scene in which when Hero Sir comes in with his friends. And when his friends mock you for your choice of clothing, and you object, he says you deserve to be more than just mocked for your choice of clothes. He slaps you playfully. And they all clap.

Heroine: Really? Is that integral to the story?

Director: Yes, because it is the lead-in to the dream song.

HH: Oh, I kind of get it. Hero Sir is fifty-seven. So, being a dirty old man, he fantasizes about me despite pretending to find my gear unsuitable?

The writer looks aghast.

D: No, no, no. You fantasise about him, ma.

HH: Why would I? The (swallows a word)…er…the gent just insulted me, no?

Writer, director and producer laugh in unison.

D: What better reason for falling for him, ma? Don’t you know that, from time immemorial, love starts with a slap?

HH: What am I wearing in the song? A sari, I’m guessing, because I have been suitably chastised.

D: Correct. But only for two seconds. You throw it off to reveal shorts that are so tiny they’d make the ones in the prayer scene look like a half-sari.

HH: And what would I be wearing on top?

D: As little as the censors will permit.

HH: So how is all of this integral to the story?

D: See, ma, I’m an unfit, unshaven, hygiene-challenged incel. So is the producer, despite having a fake American twang. As is most of my crew. So are 95 per cent of the fans of our Hero Sir. This is our ultimate fantasy. The pervert in us is dying to lech at young women in skimpy clothes. Then the hypocrite-sadist in us wants to chastise the same women for insulting our culture. Then the loser-fantasist in us wants to think that beautiful women like you — way out of our league — are dying to be with unbathed-hypocrite-pervert-fantasist-sadists like us. It’s all very scientific.

Heroine: Ah, makes complete sense.

Writer interjects.

W: If you don’t mind my asking you, ma, who is that other girl who came along with you? She’s waiting in the foyer.

HH: That’s my elder sister, sir, why?

Writer, producer and director go into a huddle.

P: No, we need someone to play our hero’s mother. So we were wondering if she would be interested.

HH: She is twenty-nine, sir. And she’s an investment banker.

Producer slides a piece of paper across the table with a number written on it.

Heroine Hopeful’s pupils dilate.

Two minutes later, Heroine Hopeful’s equally pretty sister is in the room.

Heroine’s Sister: His mother? Really? And I’ll be playing an elderly widow with asthma?

Writer whispers something in the director’s ear.

D: Brilliant. You tell her.

W: See, ma, in the sequel which is a prequel, Hero Sir will be playing his own father. So you will be mother in first movie, but heroine in the second. We have already recorded glamour song. Here, see the costumes.

Heroine’s Sister (looking at the design sample): This looks like a hanky.

Producer: Yes, ma, for a reason. The lyric goes “You and me-me-lu, full hanky-panky-lu”. I only wrote it when I was in the US.

W (wistfully): Yes, when you were laid off by Intel. I remember.

HS: One question.

P: Sure.

HS: Will there be an on-set Intimacy Coordinator?

D: No, ma. But we will have an on-set Ecstasy Coordinator.

HS: What does he do?

D: He will teach you how to bite your lower lip suggestively, train you in belly-button contractions, test you on pitch control for the moaning/groaning, and fine-tune how you say “Chee, po, you naughty” and other such cute dialogue.

HH/HS (in unison): Okay, where do we sign?