Devi Kar | Life can be full of paradoxes… But say ‘no’ to contradictions

Perhaps we don’t realise that not only do we have many unnecessary contradictions in our lives, but we also instil contradictions and consequently confusion, in the lives of those we nurture. It was fun in class to identify adages which taught diametrically opposite lessons. While one student cited “Too many cooks spoil the broth” vs “Many hands make light work”, another gave examples of “Wise men think alike” and “Fools seldom differ”. We realise both contain truths and it is possible to subscribe to contrasting thoughts, except that the context and circumstances must be kept in mind.

We know how eager we are to encourage nursery children to converse in English when they start school and when they do become fluent, we find that silently and invisibly English has replaced the mother tongue as the child’s dominant language. Then many complain how children have abandoned their own language and only read books written in English.

The next contradiction is pointed out by children themselves. When it suits adults, “we are not old enough” to do a particular thing, and the next moment we are told we are no longer children so shouldn’t behave in an immature manner. To children, adults often appear confusing and illogical so it is important to clarify our stand. We must explain they are old enough for certain activities but not for others. Who will judge the right age for various permissions to be given? Certainly not the child’s peers but her parents as they are “in charge” while the child is still a dependent.

A troubling thought is around expectations. On one hand, parents and teachers are told their children and students will not excel if high standards are not set from the start. On the other hand, they are blamed for the mental stress they end up generating by the high and sometimes unrealistic expectations from their wards. We must understand that it is impossible to be right at all times and there can’t be a single formula for all. A parent scolds a child legitimately, for bringing home a bad school report because she didn’t put in enough effort, and she, as every teacher loves to mention in every student’s report, is genuinely “capable of doing better”. Yet, when her younger sibling comes with a similar report, she is praised for her good performance. Strangely, the sibling is not happy at all for being spared the scolding! She feels insulted that her mother does not believe she can do better, hence the difference in reaction. We often complain that parents have unrealistic expectations of their offspring, hence the resultant stress. But as my example indicates, it is almost impossible to get it right.

Let us look at contradictions in the public arena. In the wake of the annual spate of examination-related suicides, the media stresses the need to put examinations in the correct perspective. Every student must be assured that performance in an examination does not in any way define her or him as a person. Yet there is so much fanfare over “toppers” each year and anxiety around “board results” that sensitive children are emotionally scarred for life.

Teachers, parents and students alike get into “exam mode” well in advance and all kinds of activities are abruptly stopped, including sports, music, dance, and even reading for pleasure.

Reading books not related to the examination syllabus is considered a waste of time. In other words, these are perceived as distracting factors instead of a part of the ongoing educative process. The contradiction lies in the enormous importance that is given to co-curricular and extra-curricular activities at the time of choosing the right school for their children and the sudden lack of interest in anything other than exams once they gain admission. It reminds me of a Mathematics teacher we interviewed who said that she did subject-related games, puzzles and activities only after she had completed the prescribed syllabus. She should have known that these activities are carried out to clarify and reinforce mathematical concepts. A young mother asked us whether our school focused more on “education” or on sports. I had to explain to her that the term “education” was much broader in scope, it does not refer to only scholastic work. Indeed, sports are a part of every child’s general education as are music, performing and visual arts. One simply cannot compartmentalise. Education, I cautioned, was not to be confused with preparation for exams.

The most obvious contradiction that we are guilty of perpetrating is the difference between what we preach and what we practise. Commenting on this would fill a book. But I will attempt to give some everyday examples. We are ourselves stuck to our devices but keep talking about this modern-day affliction. The virtue of punctuality is extolled universally, yet VIPs (an ugly term) are deliberately late at functions because they think it enhances their stature. We take pride in calling ourselves the largest democracy and yet we demonstrate in many ways that our leaders do not follow democratic principles in their work or behaviour.

In fact, most of them can be described as downright autocratic in the way they conduct themselves and their work.

Life is full of paradoxes but they contain elements of truth, whereas a contradiction is totally false. Political leaders regularly promise all kinds of positive reforms and then fail to carry them out, this is certainly a contradiction. But if someone says that sometimes “you have to be cruel to be kind” -- it is a paradox.

We need to understand that there are many paradoxes in life that one has to deal with but we cannot -- and must not -- accept contradictions.